Thursday, February 7, 2013

Don't Ask!


I got a note from a friend the other day that said she had noticed I had not been blogging much lately and had not been on Facebook and she was wondering what was up with me.  She was correct.  Not blogging much. Not on social media much. Laying low. Quiet.

I go through periods like this.  Maybe it is time spent building. Times of introspection. Who knows?  Hibernation maybe.  Fucking winter. It did make me aware of the fact a bit - having someone point it out and all.

I wondered if I was losing my mojo a bit.  Nothing was really crying out for comment.  Then again, I have been somewhat preoccupied of late.  Mostly personal stuff I don't really want to share with the world so don't get too excited - not about to share it, but I do miss writing when I am away from it from time to time.  

There is something that keeps rearing it's head - not necessarily an "ugly" head, but a head nonetheless.  It is something that has left me wondering if I was "less than" since my early twenties in fact.  It goes something like this.  It's Friday afternoon.  You are at work.  One of your colleagues asks the question.   "So, whatcha doin this weekend?"  I cringe every time.  Most times I really don't really have any significant plans worthy of a big mention.  I'm not going to some hot club or some sold out concert or heading to my cottage or jetting off to NYC for the weekend, so any answer that springs to mind seems lame and boring and surely not what the questioner was hoping for or expecting.  

I mean, I could say - well, I am thinking I might catch a movie on ROD or go for a power walk or go to The Village Butcher to get farm fresh eggs or change my sheets or read a bit or cook a little or in finer weather, go for an EXTRA LONG power walk or play tennis outside or hike a local trail that I don't do regularly but somehow these answers seem so - dare I say - boring?  I like all those things but I suspect these are not the activities they want to hear about.

Must even my simple days off feel like a competition?  I actually love it when I don't have a "plan".  That is my favourite kind of weekend.  Nothing scheduled. No particular place to go. No engagements.  It's not that I don't like social events - I do, just not every weekend, or every night. I like time to just be.  I like the feeling of no deadlines. No alarm clocks. No obligations.  I have been this way my whole life really.  Even when I was young and "supposed" to be crazy busy and out all the time, I needed a night off now and again.  I know there are people who are so over-scheduled they can barely find time for themselves.  That would be anathema to me. 

WHAT? No time to daydream? No time to be still? No time to reflect?  I just wish people would stop asking me "What are you doing tonight? What are your plans for the evening or weekend?" That way I would not have to feel like such a loser when I say - "not much".  I just don't need to be scheduled every minute of every day or week.  I never did it to my daughter either.  I let her have plenty of free time to herself and made a point of not over-scheduling her life.  Maybe I was wrong but she seems to be very comfortable on her own and content with her own company so maybe it worked.  She does not complain of being bored.  Come to think of it I am not usually bored either.  

Maybe it just takes less to amuse me.  Or a lot more to amuse everyone else.

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