Sunday, March 24, 2013
Go ahead and JUMP!
Weathering the place in between. Seems that is where I am right now in almost every aspect of my life. Dr. Wayne Dyer would suggest I am on the precipice of entering the afternoon of my life. I would tend to agree with him. There is however some resistance, some of it conscious, some not so much.
For instance, my physical body is in a constant tug of war with the concept. For one, I think I may be in the running for the Guinness Book of Records for the oldest fertile broad in the world. Yup, old menopause has not snatched me up yet. Most women my age have been in that territory for years already, but my bloody body just keeps pumping the estrogen like a broken water main, month after month. Every month I think, maybe this will be it. The final hurrah, but every month, Aunt Flo shows up uninvited and frankly, she has really overstayed her welcome.
I know I should be grateful for the benefits this affords me as it is apparently keeping me young in many ways. My radiologist was kind enough to comment on it when I had a mammogram recently and informed me that the reason it was taking them so long to get a good image of my left boob was due to the density of my breast. He said most women my age don't have this problem. Somehow I did not appreciate this "benefit" as the torture of the mammary press was adjusted half a dozen times, each time flattening and tugging my poor girl into an unrecognizable pancake while the hard arm of the apparatus dug into my armpit. "Take the bloody shot already!", I wanted to scream as he and his two female technicians hemmed and hawed over the angle each time. I could barely breathe.
That journey is not over yet either. Seems the biopsy that they had to do TWICE, warrants further investigation and so now I have to have a lumpectomy. This is not worrying me as the early detection squad at Princess Margaret cannot see any cancer cells but feel the calcifications they can see could be something. They reckon only a 15% chance of anything and since this would be very early detection, that would be a good thing as well. I of course am tempted to keep the larger chunk of me they want to excise and take my chances, but then the ever-looming "what-if" would be haunting me day and night, so I will let them have a piece of me. I have even signed over that piece for the sake of research. It won't be any good to me once it is gone - they may as well poke it and prod it in the name of education. Better than being tossed into the waste bin.
So, where was I? Got a little off track there. Oh, yes, the afternoon of my life. So, as I was saying, the place in between applies spiritually as well. I know I am about to take the next step there too, but it is a little foggier. I know now that what ever I decide to devote the rest of my working years to will NOT be motivated by money or ego. I will not work in sales ever again. I am not even interested in making a living in the design world anymore. Nope, next time around there will have to be a strong sense of "soul-feeding" attached to any work I do. I put my hand on that burner for the very last time. I am not motivated by money anymore. This may be naive I know, but I am listening to my inner voice from now on and unless what I am doing is something I love, it ain't happening.
So that is why this "gap year" I am embarking on is so vitally important. I need this time to figure it out. There is a great story about "taking the leap". We take these leaps in our lives from time to time and the story goes that the time in between the cliff's edge and landing on the other side is perhaps where we learn the most. Like letting go of the trapeze bar to grab the next one. That scary place in between. I am getting used to these places in between the last couple years. It does become less frightening each time. It is about not closing doors and remaining open to ideas, course corrections and living in the moment. Since January, I have explored several new directions and nothing has quite gelled yet other than the current plan to travel and explore my options.
Just trusting I will land on both feet.
Or one anyway. Wobbly landings are not the end of the world either.