Sunday, October 9, 2011

Ire, Ego, Darkness and Magic

I have so many things I feel like blogging/blabbing about that I can't really decide which topic to pick.  Over the last few days I have had my ire raised, my ego stroked, my dark side make an appearance and experienced a bit of magic.  I have had no time to document any of it, but it is all swirling around inside my heart and my cranium looking for a way out.

So, in the vein of "giving" this Thanksgiving weekend, I will give you a few snippets of them all - like a confession of sorts.  Growing up Roman Catholic, I got quite good at condensing my sinful behaviour for that bizarre ritual.  Mostly I did not know what to say when I got inside that little dark box, so I remember making up what I thought Father Whomever wanted to hear.  I did not get that I could have actually taken advantage of a little free therapy, but no one tells you that when you are 10.  So essentially I reported the same sins each time.  I was mean to my kid brother, I lied to my parents, and I took the name of God in vain.  That sounded like a reasonable list to me and it would warrant minimal penance.  I had not killed anyone, stolen anything, or committed adultery (whatever that meant - at the time I did not understand that term).

Old Padre Whatshisname would then make the sign of the cross, admonish me for lying and being mean to my family and tell me to recite a few Hail Marys and an Our Father and it was over for another quarter.  Then, I would live with the guilt of not having told him what I really had done that seemed sinful and wonder if I was going to burn in hell for that too.  Talk about brainwashing and fucking with a little kid's conscience - it's criminal when you think about it.  I think I was 16 before I really realized what a pile of crap it all was and I have never looked back.

However, that is not what I wanted to talk about today.  Today, I want to say a few other things that have been on my mind lately.  Let's start with Steve Jobs.  Not that I have anything new to add to the volumes that have been written since his death the other day, but I am glad I listened to his Stamford Commencement speech and even happier that I shared it with my 17 year old daughter.   It echoed what I have been telling her all along.....follow your heart.  If I have ever given her any worthwhile advice since the day she was born, I honestly think that is the one piece I cannot emphasize enough.  Hearing it from another source validated it for her and I loved that she heard it from someone like him, not just her mother.  I think she may have even "gotten" it.  She "got" the importance.  Thing is, now she has to live it.  That may not be as easy as it should be.  There is so much pressure to compete, to keep up, to impress.  So far she seems able to avoid those traps and I am proud of her for that. 

I actually think she might be able to pull it off.  And as we know, few really do.  I actually heard some women use the term "MRS degree" this week and it made me sad to think there are still women (and men) out there that think women can rely on finding a man to take care of them financially, so it does not matter what they study or do for a living, as long as they can land a second pay cheque, all will be well.  I have never suggested that to my daughter and I never will.  My own parents, despite their lack of education and knowing never said that to me either.  It never even occurred to me to take that path.  As it happened, I ended up married to a man who was able to provide financially, but it was not the reason I married him and now that I am no longer with him, I once again realize the importance of being self-reliant.  It should be compulsory.  Suggesting anything other than this is preposterous to me - it truly is.

That was what raised my ire. 

Now, on to the ego stroking.  I got singled out at work this week to be sent to the corporate headquarters to collect a "rising star" award.  This was based on the last fiscal year and ironically, ever since that fiscal year ended, I have been sliding down a slippery slope......a falling star it seems.  I wonder if I continue this slump if they will cancel my flight and take back my prize.  The jury is still out on this one, so I will keep you posted.  I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me.  I always look for the message in everything that happens to me.  But this one has me a little stumped.  Could just simply be that the economy sucks right now and people have tightened the purse strings, or I have lost my mojo, or a combination of both, but I am more inclined to think this is the universe pushing me to make a change again.  Even my daughter suggested I might need to look at tending bar for awhile if things got really bad.  I did that in my twenties and I actually liked it, so it would not be such a bad thing really other than the hours.  I don't do late night so well anymore.....we'll see.

The pirhana bitch made an appearance Friday night.  I lost my temper, said a few things I now regret and have since made her swim back down into the murky waters hoping she will stay put for a while.  I know she will never go away permanently, but as time goes on, I can only hope she makes fewer and fewer appearances.  I apologized, admitted my sin.  It's over.   Nuff said.

And now for the magic. Like pumpkin pie, I saved the best for last.  Josh, Jay and Matt.  Kind of like the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.  Not really, but I just felt like saying that.  No, just three awesome young men that I shared a story with last night that made me realize once again that all any of us really and truly want in life is to be loved for who we are, to feel truly connected to another human being and to know that there is someone out there for all of us. 

It's true Matt.  Just don't forget, it requires maintenance, not unlike a car needs oil changes, or a house needs a new roof every few years.  Don't be afraid of it.  Embrace it.  Throw every ounce of your being into it.  Let yourself be known.  Don't hold back. 

And in the wise words of the great poet Rumi - "Gamble everything for love.....or leave this gathering."

PS.  Burt's Bees Lip Balm RULES!

No comments: