Thursday, October 18, 2012

Just Call me Sir Edmund Hilary

Is everyone around me facing some kind of struggle these days?  That is how it seems.  Here I am up in the night, unable to sleep...again.  I am physically tired, but my mind is wide awake.  I thought perhaps a wee bowl of cereal might do the trick, but I tried that and it just made me crave a piece of cinnamon toast.  I have not had that yet, but if a bit of writing does not send me back to the land of nod, I may crank up the toaster.

Custody battles. Cervical Cancer. Job angst. Aging and dying parents. Aging and dying friends. Separations. Divorces. Money woes. 

Just a few of the dramas going on around me to people I know or care about or love. No wonder I cannot sleep.  Sometimes my own problems pale in comparison.  Most times actually.  A psychic recently told me that my life looks great to others.  She said it as though it was some sort of special gift I had.  But inside she said, I knew the truth.  The truth about my reality.  I got to thinking about what she said and realized that for most of my life, I even believed the hype.  My own hype.  Even I bought into my outward persona.  

The part of me that has been churning on the inside for what seems forever was something I was able keep under control.  At arms length.  Just below the surface.  I knew it was there, but I was stronger.  I could outwit it.  Slap it back down when it got too noisy.  Lately it is getting harder to silence.  What is it she is trying to tell me?  What is it that I don't want to hear?  What is it I fear about her?  

I am not going to answer these questions tonight.  In fact, the thought of trying to answer them is enough to make me want to escape back to sleep.  These inner explorations are exhausting.  I have been on this journey for the better part of three years consciously now and it feels as though I am coming to a culmination point with these last few miles the hardest.  I am so ready to reach the top of this mountain I have been climbing and plant my flag.  But then what?  What will I see on the other side?  Is it all downhill from there?  Or, can I just camp out at the top for a while?  Hang there and enjoy the view until a big wind comes along and knocks me off that perch. 

Has traversing this rocky climb been worth it? Will the view be rewarding enough?  Should I have just been happy with making it to the base camp and then turned back?  The only way of knowing is to make the climb.  Reach the peak.  Or, as the saying goes, will it be lonely at the top?  

One thing I know for sure is that I have always been a sucker for a spectacular view and if I can still have cinnamon toast up there...

...well, that may just be heaven on earth.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson

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