Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Swirling Deb

My best friend is out swirling tonight. She texted me a photo of herself and another friend of mine at a gala affair I was invited to in Toronto with the tag line - Wish you were here!  Swirling. That is what we used to call it back in the day. Back in the day referring to the period of our life that we spent living in Banff...where we met. It would be an understatement to say that we swirled occasionally  We were young. In our early twenties. It was just the way it was. If we were not working or sleeping or skiing or hiking or riding our bicycles, we were swirling. 

Swirling could be as tame as a night out with just a few drinks and calling it an early night, or as crazy as losing count how many drinks, how many tokes, and dancing until the wee hours and polishing that off with a private party back at someone's pad till we crashed. Apparently I was a champion swirler according to my BFF. When my marriage was collapsing, she said I had stopped being that fun Deb - the swirler she knew and loved.  Marriage had suffocated that Deb. She was probably right. But, I also saw it as growing up and being responsible. I had a child. I needed to set an example. And I did. I don't know that I really fooled my kid. She did manage to figure out that her mother had a past, but for the most part, I tucked that swirling Deb away for about 20 years. It was likely good for my health and good for raising a daughter to be a responsible citizen, but even though I tucked her away, there was always a part of her itching to resurface.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go back to that kind of life. I am too old and too health conscious now to abuse myself that way. But what I have resurrected in recent years is some of that old swirling spirit. It is not always easy to let her out. I worry it would embarrass the people around me, so I sort of contain her, reel her in a bit, but the truth is, I want to let er rip sometimes. I love dancing. I just finished dancing alone. In my kitchen. Music loud. A tall Mount Gay Rum and Stevia Cola with lime (a healthy Cuba Libre). Moving my body, slightly buzzed, no one watching. Bliss. Me and Tom Cruise...a Risky Business moment. Feeling more me than me.

It is almost like good sex. In fact, it could surely be a prelude to good sex. Feeling in touch with your body, your senses aroused. Music is a big part of 'swirling Deb'. It is a mandatory component.  I watched a movie last night called Peace, Love and Understanding with Jane Fonda and Catherine Keener. The movie was not really very good but the character played by Jane Fonda, an aging hippie who had been at Woodstock, supposedly had an affair with Bob Dylan and lived her entire life essentially always swirling even into her old age made me pause. She had not compromised herself, not for anyone or anything. Had I?

Bloody right I had. I became who I thought society and my parents wanted me to be. I played the game. I joined the right clubs, volunteered for the right organizations, wore twin sets even. Holy fucking Hanna! Really? I mean, I did not turn into a total Stepford wife, but I came damn close. I did everything but rejoin the bloody Catholic Church.  That was NEVER going to happen even though I sent my kid to a good Mic school and played along with the bullshit. Mostly I just wanted her to be able to make Christmas and Easter crafts at school and be in the Nativity pageant and learn about Christianity before making up her own mind about religion. I was raised Catholic and even though I now think it is a total pile of crap, I still like the Christian holidays and wanted her to enjoy them too. However, that is a whole other blog - I digress. 

Back to swirling. So the girls are out tonight swirling - adult style without me. Mostly I am just sad that I am not there with them. But what really struck me was the fact that lately, I have mostly been thinking about how much I am going to miss my friends and family, but it had not really occurred to me that they were actually going to miss me too. Especially since they all know that the old swirling Deb is kinda back. 

This time I must be sure not to lose her again. 

Swirling Deb. The Deb we all know and love. 

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