Thursday, January 2, 2014

Green Demons in the Dark of Night

Remember when you were a kid and you used to think there were monsters under your bed? Maybe you still do even as an adult. I have also considered toilets a possible source for monster habitats and over the years have always made sure I took a good look in toilet bowls all over the world before use. We have all heard crazy stories about snakes and other creatures making their way into these little porcelain ponds, so, in my mind, it is better to err on the side of caution, especially if you are faced with using an out house or port-a-potty. 

So, now that I have enlightened you with my private behaviour upon entering the water closets of the world, allow me to share my story...a true story...a recent story...less than 12 hours ago in fact. Sit back, relax, and allow me to regale you with my 3 AM tale of TERROR!

Yes, that's right...TERROR!  For those of you with weak hearts or sensitive tummies, you may want to stop reading now. OK, OK, it's not that frightening...but that is all relative of course and depends on your level of tolerance of all things creepy and crawly.

It was a hot and muggy night at Goanna Downs. The ceiling fan, the only comfort as I lay naked atop the cool cotton sheets. Half asleep, a bit tossy and turny, I felt the familiar call from my bladder in the middle of the night. The one that just won't go away no matter how much you try to ignore it...the call that does not exist when you are young and your bladder behaves like a camel. Nowadays it just cannot make it through the night. I know if I do not get up, it will nag and nag until I do, so finally, I give in. 

If there is enough filtered moonlight, I will forgo turning on lights so as to try and maintain as little awakening as possible, but last night, the clouds were shadowing whatever light was emitting from the January new moon and I had to flick the switch on. I took my customary glance into the vitreous China bowl and saw nothing too unfamiliar. I did note a wee bit of debris that might have gotten left behind from the previous is fairly standard out here in the bush with the low water pressure and septic system. I did hesitate and wonder if I should take a closer look, but it seemed innocuous and hence, proceeded to sit on the throne to pee.

Just as I began to release my pent up urine, the HORROR began! Something touched the back of my thigh, just where it meets my tiny bottom (OK, not so tiny), and that's when the SHREAKING began! OMG! OMG! AAAAAAAAHHHHH! There is something in the toilet! I jumped off the seat faster than my Kiegel reflex's ability to stop the flow and now not only did I have to deal with a monster in the toilet, I had to deal with the slippery puddle on the polished slate flooring as I fled to the safety of my bedroom screaming to be rescued from the demon of the dark night. What? What? What is it darlin? Now the fear had really kicked in and my voice is all shaky and crackly and I tell him there is something in the toilet and now I think I am going to start crying like a 4 year old and he, being the brave hero he is, jumps out of bed to slay the dragon in the toilet with all the bravado and machismo I have come to expect of him.

I am now busy mopping up my mess and he is calling me to come and I peek around the corner and lo and behold, the creature that was just moments earlier sliding his slippery body against mine is sitting on the edge of the seat, clearly now claiming the throne as his own. All that was missing from this scene was the crown upon his bright green head and buggy eyes. You little bastard I thought. How dare you invade my private spaces. Get RID of him I am shouting now. Catch him! Catch him! He was a slippery devil and he slid out of my dragon slayer's  hand once, but not twice and was delivered out the back door into the night post haste.

I calmed down and hit the shower for obvious reasons and once I dried off, I came back to bed and knew that this 3 am wake-up call was going to keep me from re-entering the Land of Nod for a good while. We both laid awake now, and as the entire event was replayed in my mind and our play by play description of what had just happened started to settle in, my trauma turned to hilarity. How could an Australian Green Tree Frog scare me half to death? It even occurred to me that I may have scared him half to death as I may have actually given him a bit of a he will never forget either!

And so, another adventure in my new life as Lisa Douglas comes to an end.


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