Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Devil Makes me Do it!

So after all these years of battling the bulge, I finally got my answer as to what my problem really is in this morning's Globe & Mail. I have a "devilish brain". Apparently my "angel centre" in my brain is doing a lousy job of holding back the "devil region" of my brain, causing me to give in to the temptation to eat rich food. It leaves me with little "self-control". Maybe all I need is an exorcism. What a relief! I always had a sneaky suspicion there was some kind of Beelzebub wandering around in this noggin of mine. It all makes perfect sense to me now. It was never a case of me ordering that pecan pie or fries instead of salad - it was that fire and brimstone spewing Satan up there persuading me to just "go for it". I can hear him right now. "Go ahead Deb, life is short, you could be dead tomorrow, why eat a carrot stick, when you could be scarfing down a piping hot slice of Artisanal Pizza, washed down with a frothy cold imported beer?" And while old Mephistopheles was busy pushing me into the land of gastric orgasms, that good for nothing "good" angel Gabriel was catching a few zzz's at my expense. So it begs the question, how do I wake up that lazy son-of-bitch Gabriel and put him back to work? Well, the article goes on to say that these researchers hope to figure out a way to engage the "good angel" (the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex for those of you needing to know) and put the "devil centre" (the ventromedial prefrontal cortex) in his place. That's right, send him right back to the fires of hell. Pump him full of some sort of coma-inducing venom-like Valium for evil-doers. One pill for him and another for Gabe. I can see it now. The endless ads for "Up Your DLPFC" in tablets or liquid concentrate. See your doctor if you experience any of the following symptoms: The urge to eat nothing but kale all day long. A sudden desire to run miles and miles around your neighbourhood. An overwhelming attraction to Veganism. You find yourself vomiting at the sight of bakeries and beer stores. You can no longer tolerate sugar or salt. French fries make you break out in a rash. Chocolate causes dizziness. You experience sudden or severe weight loss. Wow, with that list of side effects, who would take a drug like that? Gee, come to think of it, maybe I would. Maybe the feds actually need to increase the grant money for those researchers. I really need something to wake up my Gabriel or Michael or whoever it is sawing logs in my prefrontal cortex. I could get used to kale.

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